9:00 am: An unfamiliar clock offered the time to Julio, the bed he lay on smelt... different. For one, he's never been in a bed where the blankets were so thick. He got up, grabbed his toothbrush and glasses and made his way over to the washroom. And each stepped he took on the hardwood floor felt so, cold, he had always been used to the carpeted floors of the villa his parents rented back home, though, now, he felt that, it really wasn't home.
He brushed his teeth; it was almost routine to him, he didn't even think about it. Brush, rinse, repeat, mouthwash, exit. But before he could even touch the doorknob, he felt the need to examine himself.
He stared at the mirror, looking into his own brown eyes, his hair in a swept back manner which split at the right side just a little bit. The teenage marks on his face seemed minimal, but they were there. He smiled, and his reflection smiled back at himself. He never really did put any thought into his appearance, but for some reason, he felt a pang of guilt that he was probably getting sucked into the vanity which he tried to avoid in girls, but he wasn't really successful in that. His skin was dark, but then again, most Filipinos were dark skinned, but having been under the Arabian sun, just made it worse.
His stomach grumbled slightly, he had a belly, maybe a little too much of it, but since he always had it, he grew used to it, and for the many times he'd had tried to get rid of it, he always reverted back into his original shape, so he gave up on it.
He left the washroom, and closed the lights, right when his cousin older cousin Areal walked in.
“get dressed” areal said,
Julio looked at him, rather, stared
“why exactly?” he asked, still bewildered.
“school, you gotta enroll, before my mom puts you in some private school, trust me, i went to this school, and i loved it.” ,Areal assured him.
“alright then” , Julio then rushed to his room, opening the suitcase which had his clothes, he took out a
shirt and pants of his liking, baggy pants of course, though he hated to admit it, he'd been influenced greatly by rap music, the way he walked, talked, even to what he wore. This pissed him off for some reason, maybe it was his old “peers” calling him a wannabe. “I'll prove them wrong” his breath seemed to whisper.
He walked out of the room he was in, his cousin was talking to his mom, apparently asking for the documents he needed to enroll.
Documents in hand, Areal went through the back door to where his car was parked, Julio kissed his mom goodbye and raced after his cousin.
-- --- --
They parked on Alverstone St., right in front of a brick building with the words “Daniel McIntyre Collegiate Institute” carved in stone over the front entrance. They entered the building and made their way over to the main office, Julio's cousin, having gone to this school, knew where this was, just as well as he knew the administrators there.
“Hey, is Mrs. Silva here?” he asked the receptionist,
“go right in Areal” she answered, waving Julio and his cousin to the Vice Principals office.
Areal turned to Julio, “Wait here”, he said.
Julio took a seat near the fish tank, and started to observe the fish that inhabited it. A gold fish, two, three. He stared at the little goldfish swim around, till a girl walked in, her body was enough to get his attention, but he looked up to get a better view of the person who entered.
Who, or rather, What Julio saw, was what he could only describe as an angel brighter than what he'd ever seen in his life, her brown hair was streaked with gold, her face, fit her heavenly stature just perfectly, she had that matter-of-fact kinda look on her, even her clothes dictated it, she meant business.
“Can I please see Ms. Silva? I have an appointment...” The yet unnamed angel asked.
“ I'm sorry”, The receptionist said, “She's with someone right now, Take a seat, she'll be available soon.”
“But miss! I have an appointment and i don't think that's fair!” she objected
“Well, I'm Sorry young lady, but you are in no position to demand, so take the seat and wait.” the receptionist said in a cold voice.
Evidently fuming, she took the seat next to Julio, His heart did a series of double somersault at the thought of her being so close to him. An angel's beauty radiating upon him, So close that her scent seemed almost t....
“Can you believe this?” she demanded of Julio, interrupting his thoughts.
“Believe what?” Julio asked back.
“They gave my appointment away to some Jackass!” she fumed, tears were gathering around her eyes.
“Don't worry, he'll be out soon.” He suggested, she looked at me with the cutest look you could ever get from a girl, and the barely noticeable tears in her eyes just magnified the effect a hundred fold.
“Yeah, I'm the jackass” Julio whispered.
The door to the Vice Principals office creaked open, and Areal stepped out,
“let's go, i got your registration stuff here” he said, and Julio followed,
“I'll see you around alright? I'm really really sorry; hey, if I see you again, I'll make it up to you alright?” , he told the “angel”
And she just stared at him as he walked away, the jackass, who tried to redeem himself, but a very attractive jackass at that, she thought.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
I've addressed a few issues that ceteria pointed out, the character's description and the poor spelling XD, thank you !!!
A much stronger beginning I congradulate you on this. Right away, the readers have to imagine a scene rich on senses. A much much stronger beginning. Good job on that.
Agan, you show the honesty in which you portray your characters. The way that Julio describes this did't feel like home really hit it hard to a lot of readers. I like how you describe Julio's old house.
The way that you describe Julio's old house, with examples that relate to the scene that your writing was also a good touch. It's always a good idea to stay to the point, or else readers minds will also stray.
The brushing the teeth made Julio seem a bit like a control freak, because at that time of day, only control freaks can operate on a routine like that. Maybe not a control freak, but someone who likes to take some measure of control in his life. Apparently normal people can't do that (or so I'm told...)
The readers finally get a physical description of Julio, which was a bit over-due, but hey, better late than never. Very good descrption, you made definitive guidelines for the readers, but not exact stuff (his nose was eleven cm from his ear).
Adding Julio's persepctive to his appearance was also a good idea, not only because it showed your style of writing clearly, but it also gave readers a glimpse of Julio's personality. Since you aren't writing in first person (I), it's important to add stuff like that, or the readers won't be able to connect with the character, since the character seems to one-dimensional.
The belly part was good too, since we know have an idea of what not only his face looks like, but his body as well.
Julio looked at him, rather, stared
“why exactly?” he asked, still bewildered.
This part really bothered me, a lot. First off, the Looked, rather, stared was completely unnessesary. Readers have to read it twice to understand that both words mean the same thing, but by then, they lose the flow of the story. Just writing, "Julio stared at him" or "Julio looked at him in confusion" would have been fine. Dont try to compare the same words, it loses the flow of the story and wastes space.
Then you wrote, "he asked, still bewildered." The "still" is comletely unnessesary, because there is no time change, no cut in scene, and there is no way someone's confusion can dissapiate that quickly. Writing the 'still' won't break the flow of story, but it will grate on readers nerves. Just write "He asked bewildered" and it'd be phenemenally better.
I was confused of Areal's gender here, since all we know of Julio's cousins are: They have girlfriends and that Areal is older. None of this confirms Areal's gender until "where HIS car was parked." Because not everyone is familiar with Filipene names, most people will translate that name as "Ariel" witch is femmineme and be shocked to learn that Ariel had a sex change. Just watch little things like that.
Your honest style of writing comes through again when Julio is dressing. This again makes him more real, especialy because we see into Julio's personality when he wants to prove that he's not a wannabe. Readers will become more attached with Julio here, one because, you honestly wrote that Julio is influenced by rap music even to the extent that he walks and talks in a 'rapper' way. This makes him seem less than a posed because of your honest style of writing. If you had a different style of writing, critics would complain that Julio is a poser, because his character doesn't match a Detroit/subburbs/eminem/D12 rapper. Since you have a particular honesty style of writing, Julio doesn't seem like a poser.
Another reason why people will bond to Juio is because we see into his personality here, and it's a big piece.
He walked out of the room he was in
Was a complete waste of space and only suceeded in confusing the readers. "He walked out of his room" would have been better.
The description of the angel was too overdone and fell short of the emotions you wanted to exress.
What I meant by excessive was there wasn't enough emotion put inot it. The whole description seemed rushed and because of this, it didn't project anything that the readers felt.
This moment was to be profound and moving, the girls beauty, her annoynance and Julio's feelings were really supposed to come out. Instead, even the secretary's personality came out flat and cheesy. "“Well, I'm Sorry young lady, but you are in no position to demand, so take the seat and wait.” the receptionist said in a cold voice." Came out one-dimensional and not at all of the bitch you tried to make her out off.
The tears part confused the hell out of me, since I thought this was real, not manga/chibi. Her personality quirks and perspective's also seemed rushed and one-demensional. Because of this, readers weren't able to really connect with this scene, despite it's importance.
There's one part where you switch from third to first person, there are as follows and I belive they happened because you were rushing
interrupting my thoughts.
I answered
my cousin stepped out,
This breaks the flow of writing, which bothers readers immenesley.
So that was the over all breakdown of your chapter. I'm going to say what I think from your overall chapter.
Half way reading this, I got really bored. I kept reading it because I like your perspectives and the style of writing that you have, but you don't have a plot, which bothers me.
There's no point of your story, only a telling of events. In your first chapter, the only foreshadowing was at the end (and pretty bad at that) and in this chapter there was only the meeting of the girl.
There's no conflict and there's nothing really going on. What's the point of your story? What's the conflict? What's the climax and the ending going to be like? You have to have these things or your story be nothing but words put together.
Overall, great chapter. Your grammer and spelling was dramatically better, and your character perspectives were interesting and refreshingly unique. You really let your style of writing show in this chapter, even more so than the other chapter.
You seemed a bit rushed, and at some points, you broke the flow of the story. The final few paragrpahs didn't have the impact you wanted them too and there's still no sign of an actual point to this story.
Still, I await the next chapter with anticipation.
Post a Comment