"get up, we're almost there..."
Julio Vincente's mom nudged him.
He opened his eyes to see that he indeed inside a plane, it wasnt a dream, he was on hi way to Canada. For a moment, he felt puzzled. not knowing if he should feel happy, or sadened that he left his home for 14 years. Julio looked out the window to see the deep black of the night dotted by a scatter of lights in the distance.
"What time is it mom?", Julio asked, the answer, "10 hours since we left Dubai"
It didnt seem that way, he'd ben sleeping all the way, or rather, he silently cried himself to sleep. but cried at what?, he wondered. nothing, he decided.
Opening his bag, he began to look for his CD Player, and finding it, he stuck the earphones into his ears right before his baby brother, Armando, started crying, and in turn the people who sat across the aisle, started staring. Blaring his music, he pictured himself up on stage. Rapping to Electric Guitars and Disc Scratching backgrounds. another singer screaming out the lyrics that he woould write. Then he thought of the moeny he would have, how the people he left behind in tht school would feel sorry for how they treateed him all those years.
He shook his head, tried to clear his thoughts. a 14-year old probably shouldnt be thinking of these things. not when he's just about to enter a new chapter in life, in a new country. with new people. The scatter of lights drew closer and closer, till he could see the vague shapes of buildings, a river, the streets, then the run way of Winnipeg Int'l Aiport.
"Ladies and gentlemen, please make sure you fasten those seatbelts, we are landing."
Julio grinned, he realised he hadnt taken off the belt since his last trip to the washroom. but then again, the sense of security made him feel safe. The Plane touched down, They walked through the tunnel the extended from the plane to the airport. his first breath in Canada, was of the Plastic the enveloped the tunnel, the second, a burger king.
"Mom! Im Hungry!" whispered Abby, Julio's litle sister.
"Hunny... let's wait till we get to Uncle Vic's place okay? im sure he'll have some food there." mom whispered back.
"But mom!" Abby said, a little louder this time.
"shhhh. promise you wont tell mom that i'll get you food?" Julio whispered, taking his little sister's hand.
Abby shook her head yes.
"okay" he said.
he ran over to the burger king, "whopper junior for a dollar eh?" the thought. he bought it with the 5 dollar bill that his grandmother gave him before leaving dubai. The change he got back, completely bewildered him. Being in the middle eas for so long, he wasw used to only 3 types of coins, 50c. 25c. $1. though in the mideast, cents were "fils" and dollars were "dirhams", but here, the change jsut shocked him. not even bothering to count it, he pocketed it and headed back to his family with the burger. which his little sister ate quickly.
once they cleared customs, they headed down the stairs, to find his two cousins, their girlfriedns, and his aunt and uncle waitign for them.
Hugs and greetings went around, then they went over to the baggage belt, and they left the airport. and Julio, entered a new chapter of his life, more eventful than hehad anticipated, or even planned for.
About Me
- Arvin A.
- Calgary, Alberta, Canada
- Regular Teen I guess... no one special.. i just like typing down stuff that pertains to what i think
1 comment:
It's not a good idea to start off a novel with dialogue. It's like you are skipping the beginning and starting of in the middle.
That's my opinion anyways, and I get really bugged when I feel lost among who's talking and such.
Good idea to put the full name, so that clears up any confusion later that we may have with names (Mrs. Vicente or someone calling him by his last name later).
The sentence For a moment, he felt puzzled. not knowing if he should feel happy, or sadened that he left his home for 14 years felt weak to me, and it didn't really give me any emotion. It felt more like a fact statement when obviously it was meant to convey a great deal of emotion.
I really liked how you described the music and Julio's thought process. First came the stage, then came his lyrics being known, then came the money, but then there's a sudden turn. Instead of thinking about himself, he turns his thoughts to how everyone else feels when he's famous and they're not.
That was a pretty big mood shift and reveals quite a bit about Julio's character. That was very well done and I quite liked the honesty and how you made the thought process consistant, but then made a twist at the end (but it still fit).
What I also liked about that paragrpah was that it gave a good deal more emotion that For a moment, he felt puzzled. not knowing if he should feel happy, or sadened that he left his home for 14 years. It was really good and I hope that I read more of this in your blog.
When Julio shakes his head, we realize that we don't know what he looks like at all. Other than he's fourteen and from Dubai (which I can only guess where that is), we don't know any phsycal features. In order for a reader to turly make a bond with a character, there has to be strong, definite descriptions about that character.
A good example of creating an empathic bodn with readers was when you wrote the paragraph about music. That was very well done and bonded with the readers.
I can't understand why Julio is grinning about already wearing his seatbelt. Could you please use a different word for this? Maybe a twitch of the lips or just don't use it at all, the sentence would have been fine without it.
I fully realize that you didn't want anyone commenting on grammer/spelling, but please check it over before you post, please?
The reason I mention this was because I had to read the sentence his first breath in Canada, was of the Plastic the enveloped the tunnel, the second, a burger king. twice before I could make sense of it. See, this could be a very good bonding expiriance with the readers, because it realyl shows the world from Julio's perspective. However, readers are turned off and not affected because they can't understand the sentence and just skip it. If you just check your sentence's over before you post, your' writing coudl be quite powerful.
I like how Julio takes care of his little sister and how you introduced her. It would have REALLY bothered me if you had said something like "Julio has a little brother, Armando and a little sister, Abbey." Instead, you introduce them through character interaction, which really makes me happy and makes the story flow better.
Another good bonding experiance that you put down was Julio's slight confusion about money. It put Julio's perspective very honestly and directly to the readers and we also learn something that we didn't know.
I've noticed that with your writing, you start with good beginning, excellect body's but very weak endings. This isn't the first time that you've resorted to a cliche for an ending.
I appreciate the idea behind your words and the foreshadowing (I am hopelessly in love with foreshadowing) that you put in for Julio, but really, those words are horribly over used and cliched.
Your leading-up-to-the-end was better than usual, and I feel that you are getting better with practise, but the last sentence didn't fly. To clear up any confusion the sentence I mean is,
and Julio, entered a new chapter of his life, more eventful than hehad anticipated, or even planned for.
Overall this was a very strong beginning to a story that I;m interested in reading. You have the ability to create empathic bonds with readers and can introduce characters that don't break the flow of the story. One thing I would particularly like to mention is your honesty with the perspecitve of your characters, which is EXTREMELY well done.
This particular honesty, I feel, is a strength that you have, that really makes a character come alive. Even though revenge aren't really thoughts we should have, you still put it down and because of that, Julio seems more real. Even though I didn't like the wording of He felt puzzled, not knowing if he should feel happy or saddened there was an honesty there that really makes someone bond with a character.
Please continue to proof read your story better, perhapes write it first on word so the computer can automatically catch errors like that. Also, try to stay away from cliche's and over-used wording. For the next chapter, work on beginning and endings particularly, as your body's are already very strong.
I await the next chapter with anticipation
-Ceteria
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